(11.08.10)

*big sigh*

I take a big sigh as I sit down to write this because this is ...

What's the word?

Challenging for me to write.

But let me start, nonetheless:

Once a quarter, I get a magazine called Momentum. It's published by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and is only distributed in "hard copy" format to those with MS and thus is the source of my consternation.

Every time I find the magazine in my mailbox I get a little upset. It's not the magazine's fault. It's just a bit depressing to see it in my mailbox with my name on it. Usually, upon reception of the magazine, it just sits in the mail pile for awhile because I know that once I read it, my depression will worsen so I wait until a weekend or something to start perusing. I do this so my mood is not affected throughout the week and I can mentally steel myself for its contents. And I need this preparation because I hate that I am eligible to receive Momentum.

I hate that I have MS.

I thought I was dealing with the diagnosis pretty well and usually, on a day-to-day basis, I do. But I think that's because I usually try not to think about having MS. I mean, I don't think that I'm in denial or anything but I don't feel like I live my life defined by MS. You know? It's like, if you asked me to describe myself I'd say, "Well, I'm 28, married to an awesome man, I have a dog I love, etc. etc. And I have multiple sclerosis."

In meeting someone, I'd never even think to mention that I have MS. It's just not a part of who or what I am or what makes me well ... me. However, once I start reading Momentum, I feel like it is ALL that I am and ALL that I will become. It's fatalistic and far from the truth, I know. However, I just can't help feeling it.

I read the articles and I think, "This is me. This is what I feel. This is what I am. This is what I deal with."

For example, in this issue's article, "The spasticity story," the magazine says, "Spasticity can be little more than an annoyance or it can cause considerable disability."

In my head I'm saying to myself, "Yadon'tsay!" Like I don't know this already. Luckily for me its more of just a 'daily annoyance' but it's the part about 'can cause' that upsets me. Because I know that it could be debilitating. But what's more frustrating than that is that it's impossible to predict when that time comes, or even if. It could be when I get up for work tomorrow morning or it could be never.

*insert big sad face here*

MS is so unpredictable and uncontrollable. No one know what causes it. No one knows how to cure it. No one knows why the hell I have it!

I know that I should be more positive but sometimes (usually only when I read the magazine) I just can't help but be angry and sad and frustrated and upset and an overall big ball of negative emotion.

Now many people would just say, "If it makes you feel that way, just don't read it." Well, that's easily enough said but in reality, the magazine does provide excellent information that I probably need to read and it does give me a chance to prepare for what is to come -- if it comes. You know? So I'm not blindsided by the unexpected. It also gives me insight into how to handle situations with disclosure, employment, health care, etc. And it helps me feel less alone. The thing is, I'd rather be alone! Not alone in the sense of being lonely but in the sense that I'd just as well NOT have MS and therefore wouldn't need a stupid magazine to make me feel less alone. Get it?

Like, I don't want to think about the fact that one day I may need a cane or a wheelchair or 24/7 care. That shit's depressing! And in any given "normal" day for me, I walk just fine and I feel just fine (aside from constant fatigue) and I look just fine and I am JUST FINE! It's just Momentum sort of FORCES me to think about the "what-ifs" and the negative aspects of life and uggggghhhh ...

Sometimes it's just too much.

Anyhow, now that I've written all that, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for listening (reading).

And if you wish, donate to the National MS Society whose goal is to keep us moving! (Cause that's what MS does -- stop people from moving.)