(15.01.08)
Marriage Does Not Change
So my "MySpace" friend, Randy, has been blogging (very well) about marriage lately and it's had me really thinking as to what it is that I want in a marriage. I did it (marriage) once before and I failed horribly.
Now, before you all (who are familiar with the saga) go and tell me that it wasn't a failure on my part, let me say that there is nothing that can be said or done to convince me that I didn't play a part in the failure of my marriage to Tony and I now understand what it was that I did wrong. I have accepted my responsibility and accountability in the whole debacle that was the deterioration of marriage and most importantly I have learned. I have moved past the hurt and the anger and the blame and all the other negative stuff and I have learned.
Now, before you all (who are familiar with the saga) go and tell me that it wasn't a failure on my part, let me say that there is nothing that can be said or done to convince me that I didn't play a part in the failure of my marriage to Tony and I now understand what it was that I did wrong. I have accepted my responsibility and accountability in the whole debacle that was the deterioration of marriage and most importantly I have learned. I have moved past the hurt and the anger and the blame and all the other negative stuff and I have learned.
I once wrote in my open letter to Every Woman Who Has Been the Other Woman, "I just assumed that marriage was supposed to edify, to kill all of our primal urges, make us safe from the outside world." And like I said and emphasized then, "I was wrong."
I have since learned and Randy stated it in his marriage blog that "some people think that marriage will 'change' things (and) that is totally wrong." In my tumultuous journey to the end, I have come to the realization that marriage does not edify, it does not erase, it does not rid one of one's true desires if that is what one truly desires. This is true not just for the male in the marriage, but for the woman as well.
And while I may never have admitted it then, I now know that I was really hoping that by signing our marriage certificate, Tony would somehow, miraculously, be instantly cured of any wanton lust for other women -- a lust that I knew, deep down, was still present in him because he had not fully grown as a person and here I was desiring him to be my husband and play the part. Mind you, he was excellent at playing the part for awhile but eventually the role got boring.
I knew then that I was asking him for too much, but I was hoping for change and that is definitely something that you do not (want to) walk into a marriage expecting. It's definitely a bad idea.
That was lesson number one for me.
Full Court Press
I have also learned that you go hard, all the way. You don't let the team get halfway down the field and then bring on the defensive pressure. If marriage were a (college) basketball game, there'd be 40 full minutes of full court press. It's exhausting, but defense wins games. Period.
In marriage you don't let the ball get inbounded and the other team get down the court before you apply pressure, it's all the way, all the time. There is no backing down, there is no tiring out. You have got to have the stamina and the strength of will to press forward and work it out. And that applies to everyone on the team. In the case of a marriage, it's just the two of you, but it should be very true to the both of you.
Sure, there will be times when your partner flags or their strength waivers, but that's why there's two of you, you pick up the pace for the other person but for it to work, both of you must show up to the game committed to winning, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year and so on, until death do you part.
And you each do your part.
However, for me, this does not mean that you each come to the court with your half. You come fully prepared. You bring your whole self.
And this brings me to my third lesson ...
In marriage you don't let the ball get inbounded and the other team get down the court before you apply pressure, it's all the way, all the time. There is no backing down, there is no tiring out. You have got to have the stamina and the strength of will to press forward and work it out. And that applies to everyone on the team. In the case of a marriage, it's just the two of you, but it should be very true to the both of you.Sure, there will be times when your partner flags or their strength waivers, but that's why there's two of you, you pick up the pace for the other person but for it to work, both of you must show up to the game committed to winning, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year and so on, until death do you part.
And you each do your part.
However, for me, this does not mean that you each come to the court with your half. You come fully prepared. You bring your whole self.
And this brings me to my third lesson ...
It is NOT 50/50
It grates my nerves so when I hear people say that a relationship is 50/50. It is not.
Yes, it is true enough that two-halves make a whole but the entire idea that there are two half-people entering into a union to make a whole just seems wrong to me. I don't want to be in a relationship with half a person and I have learned that with my ex, that's exactly the relationship I was in. He had yet to realize and determine who he was as a whole person. He had yet to make peace with God and himself. He was not comfortable with being him, how was he supposed to be comfortable with me?
When you burn your unity candles at your wedding ceremony (I did not not have one as we were going to wait to solemnize our marriage in his father's church), you don't burn two half tapers onto a pillar, but two whole tapers.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have learned that in a functional marriage, both people entering into the union should be fully aware of who they are, what they want out of life for themselves, and where they wish to go in the future before they can hope to achieve that with someone else. You don't go into half way, you go into it all the way and if there is any doubt, you don't go.
Surely, the two of you will grow together, that is what marriage is about, but you should both be fully grown already.
Yes, it is true enough that two-halves make a whole but the entire idea that there are two half-people entering into a union to make a whole just seems wrong to me. I don't want to be in a relationship with half a person and I have learned that with my ex, that's exactly the relationship I was in. He had yet to realize and determine who he was as a whole person. He had yet to make peace with God and himself. He was not comfortable with being him, how was he supposed to be comfortable with me?
When you burn your unity candles at your wedding ceremony (I did not not have one as we were going to wait to solemnize our marriage in his father's church), you don't burn two half tapers onto a pillar, but two whole tapers.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have learned that in a functional marriage, both people entering into the union should be fully aware of who they are, what they want out of life for themselves, and where they wish to go in the future before they can hope to achieve that with someone else. You don't go into half way, you go into it all the way and if there is any doubt, you don't go.
Surely, the two of you will grow together, that is what marriage is about, but you should both be fully grown already.
Finally, I Do
I'm going to leave it at those three lessons that I have learned throughout the course of my over quarter-century on Earth. There are more lessons of course and I'm sure there are things that I haven't even yet begun to consider but it is something that is weighing heavily on me because as I reflect on the past, I must say that I never thought that I would ever be doing this whole marriage thing again because I (as I'm sure everybody) planned on it being a forever kind of thing but I realize that it was a lesson that I had to learn because I went to it an incomplete person, and I left it even more broken but I have arisen and am looking forward because that is the only place I have to go.
Luckily for me, I have learned and am always learning and am blessed to have someone in my life who is patient and willing to learn with me and what's before me is a spectacular view. Of course, I do acknowledge that there are other factors that make for a successful marriage like respect and trust and the more tangible aspects of life like bills, kids, mortgages, and living in the same city but for now, I know that I am on a good course.
That is all.
-Kornika
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