I Never Knew It'd Be This Hard to Quit

I look like this ...



and I feel like this ...



even though I took this ...



all because I'm trying to do this ...

(01 June 2007) -- How come no one tells you that it's going to be this hard to quit smoking?  Or rather, I guess I was told, I just choose not to believe it.  I mean, when I quit smoking the "other stuff" it wasn't that hard.  I guess I just have to face it ... I have a nicotine addiction and it SUCKS.

This is going to be the first time that I SERIOUSLY try to quit smoking.  I've made feeble attempts before but this time I'm going to take it seriously and you know what?

*heavy sigh*

This is soooo hard! 

I guess my body is going through the process of getting rid of all the toxins and tar in my system and it's a horrible process.

I am miserable.  Every part of me wants to light up a menthol anything and just suck it down to the filter just to alleviate some of this pain that is occurring in my lungs.

It's kind of ironic actually that I didn't even feel this bad WHEN I was smoking but now that my body is going through withdrawal, it is EXTREMELY difficult -- my nose see-saws from running/dripping to be congested/stuffy, I have a dry, hacking cough that is actually straining the muscles in my chest.  It almost feels like when I bruised my ribs back in high school playing soccer.

You know, I'm actually sitting here right now upset at myself for having started smoking in the first place.  I'm cursing the stupid "smoke deck" that was behind Smith Hall Dormitory back when I was in college at Florida State University (FSU).  It's kind of funny actually because I got kicked out of one of my dorms and moved to Smith Hall because I got written up for someone else smoking in my car at the "non-smoking" dorm across the way that Florida State had.

They had a STRICT non-smoking policy for a designated radius surrounding that particular residence hall (I forget what it was called) and that included smoking in your vehicle.  Needless to say, one of the RAs (resident advisers) caught my friend smoking in the car as I was sitting idly outside waiting to pick someone up and I immediately got written up and reassigned to Smith Hall -- a place that had no such non-smoking policy and that's where it all began. 

I really wish I could blame FSU or the RA or someone for this but really, I'm not that type of person.  I accept full accountability and responsibility for my stupidity.  Ughhhh.  Though I must say, I have met some amazing people through smoking because sometimes it just seems like smokers are just more friendly. 

I mean, smokers can always be found in groups congregated around an ashtray, especially from my experience in college and in the Navy, and during that 3 to 7 minutes, idle conversation is bound to begin.  Plus, smokers are some of the only people I know where you can just randomly walk up to one and ask for a light and have it lead to some meaningful conversation about politics or religion or sex or whatever.  Generally, you can't just walk up to a complete stranger who isn't smoking, and just be like, "So, how about that Barack Obama."

At least, that's the way it's always been for me.  On the downside, however, smokers are also some of the stupidest folks I know (myself included).  I mean, who else braves the sub-zero freezing temperatures of the Chicago cold to go outside and fill themselves with what we know is bad for us?  I mean, I know, rain, hail, sleet, snow ... I would brave the weather to fill my lungs.

Ughhhh.

I feel baaaaaaaddd and I'm looking at this pack of Marlboro Menthol Lights sitting in front of me just calling my name but I will not. 

*sigh* 

I will not.  Will not.  Will not.

I'm attempting this cold turkey and I need all the help I can get.  So ... this is my official announcement.  For all of you who know me personally and party with me regularly, please, please, please help me out.  Actually, for those of you that smoke, I invite you to join me in my quitting if you want to.  Call me and we can make it an adventure!

For those that don't know me personally, whatever help, support, horror stories, etc. you want to share.  This is mad hard, yo!

Uggggggggggggghhhhhhh.

Dying over here.

Calling my name.

You know, what's even worse is that I started out as a Newport smoker but when I started coughing up phlegm and blood, I switched to Newport Mediums.  Then Lights.    You would have thought I'd just quit altogether.  After the Newport Lights started tearing up my lungs as well, I switched to Marlboro Menthol Lights and that's what I've been on for the past two years or so but I guess it's finally time to quit.

I mean, when I was younger, my brother and I used to steal my father's cigarettes and hide them from him because we HATED that he smoked.  We even posted all kinds of "No Smoking" signs all throughout the house and everything.

I remember my father used to get so MAD at us so we switched tactics and made him give us a quarter for every time we caught him smoking and then we'd put that money into a jar in the kitchen so he could see how much money he was giving us but that didn't really work either.  I think he finally quit smoking when he decided he was good and ready to quit and he did it cold turkey.  That was over a decade ago.

It was then that my brother, Kris, and I both vowed that we would never smoke.    But yeah ... look at me now -- trying to quit.  *sigh*  I just hope that my brother doesn't start smoking too. 

He's only 16 now and he's always telling me that I should quit.  In fact, he turned all of my cigarettes upside-down in my pack once.  And for you smokers, you know that means that I lit up like three of them backwards before I finally realized that it wasn't me ... it was the fact that I was pulling all my cigarettes out by the end and not the filter.  Kris thought it was Hi-LAR-i-ous and I must admit, once I got over being mad, it was quite clever of him.

Ah well ... off to go Febreeze my car now.

-Kornika