So I'm 24 ... Now What?

I wrote this on March 5, 2006 ... my 24th birthday and am re-posting it to reaffirm my year 24 affirmations and because I promised Karen I would.

Today marks my 24th year of existence on this earth. I brought it in on my couch, in my living room, sippin' a Hennessey and red bull. I was searching for the motivation to make my way to my own party in the VIP section at Club Christopher's. YAY! (Can you feel the sarcasm dripping from every excited utterance issued by my keyboard?)

Well, I made it out there. What a complete waste of time! I mean, I ended up watching the replay of the Duke-UNC game on ESPN and I spent most of the time cursing Roy Williams for being such a traitor. How does the once "Greatest Coach Never to Win a Championship" leave Kansas only to win the very next year at North Carolina? UGGGGHHH! (That's my disgust emanating.)

Anyhow, now I'm sitting in front of my computer, approximately 24 years and two hours after my emergence into this world. That was the first time I was early for anything ... and quite possibly the last. I emerged from my mother's womb, 10 days before I was expected, raring and ready to take on the world. Now, sitting back and reflecting on the past, I think I've conquered everything I set out to do, with one exception ... unconditional love.

Now, this topic was covered by a friend in one of his blogs. The conclusion is ... I am quite capable of giving it. I'm just not sure there's a person out there in the world that can meet my output. And Lord knows, I won't settle for anything less. In 24 years of life, I have witnessed my fair share of deaths, disappointments, deceit, desire, lust, love, lack of, etc. More than enough to last most throughout their lifetimes. Now, what?

Well, I don't "DO" the whole New Year's resolution thing, because it's just a calendar date. However, I do the Birthday Resolution thing. The way I figure it, today is the day that marks my entry into a new year of life. The first of January is just a universally celebrated date out of convenience. So, this year, as I look back on my past years, I've decided a couple of things. Well, I decided them through a course of learning and experience, but today I shall make some of these decisions concrete.

First, I will rebuild my relationship with God. Throughout the entirety of my short, less than quarter of a century here on earth, I have always lived with a strong spiritual base. I just really didn't "let go and let God." I was too much of a control freak to do it. However, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I, Kornika Nadiea-Gamie Ngong Neak Franklin, cannot do it on my own. I have tried for too long, and too hard. I am finally able to relinquish control to a greater power. I will let Him do what He will for me. I will pray for forgiveness; not just the forgiveness of others, but I will pray that I can forgive myself. I realize that I need to forgive myself for circumstances and situations that I had no control of. I need to forgive myself for decisions I made hastily, without the proper information. I need to let go of my guilt. I carry so much of it. There it is. God, have at it. I will reclaim my faith that I so carelessly threw aside. I WILL!

Secondly, I will learn the meaning of moderation. This isn't a realization that I have just come to, I have known for awhile that I never did anything in moderation. Okay, maybe not ANYTHING, but a lot of things. I used to be the type that didn't drink in moderation, didn't smoke in moderation, didn't trust in moderation, didn't love in moderation, didn't hate in moderation ... well, I think the point's made. I was the type to do it for all or nothing. There were never any shades of gray for me. It was always black and white. I couldn't even begin to contemplate a medium in there somewhere.

Well, now I'm ready to attempt it. I have been attempting it for awhile. The Kornika at 24 is definitely not the Kornika at 18 or at 21. At 21, after having my first encounter with alcohol, Bacardi 151, to be exact, I didn't moderate myself. The years following that first take, I didn't know the meaning of excess alcohol. Now, the older, somewhat wiser Kornika knows that she can't throw back 12 shots and be good for anything. In fact, the Kornika of current has backed off on drinking a lot. Today, for example, I consumed a sum total of perhaps eight ounces of alcohol. Now, that may still be a lot ... but it is, after all, my birthday.

I shall also approach love and trust in moderation as well. Prior, I would give my all, no questions asked. This is the new, jaded, cynical Kornika. Now, this may not be a good thing, but it is the way it is. I have learned from the past. And perhaps the lessons I learned aren't the ones I wanted to, but I will be much more guarded with my heart and feelings. This, I think, has already begun manifesting itself. Now, I don't believe that I will ever be the type to judge a person of current based on a person of past, but I will be much more cautious. I used to be a "throw caution to the wind" type. But, now, no more. Maybe this will make me a less better me to some. But it makes me a healthier me. I will still, always, give every person, male or female, the benefit of a clean slate, but I will be more aware of the danger signs. No more will I make excuses for someone. I will no longer try to explain away the way a person treats me as, "Oh, well maybe they're having a bad day." Or what have you. Things will be what they are. Period. End of story.

Next, I will become more conscious of the way I treat others as a reflection upon myself. I know that I have a tendency towards selfishness. But no longer will I always put the needs of myself above those of others. That's not to say that I will place another's needs before my own, either. I will just be more aware of my affect on others and theirs on me. I will make a conscious effort to place myself in another's, proverbial, shoes and walk a mile in them.

Also, I will no longer allow myself to be the scapegoat. I will no longer allow those around me to tear me down in an effort to better themselves. I shall start with my father, first and foremost. I will not constantly be downgraded because I am "the strong one." I will not sit idly by while others rip into me and examine my every flaw because they can't look at their own. I will defend myself. Sometimes, I, too, get tired of being everybody's rock. I cannot suffice on my own diligence. I will learn to ask for help instead of always trying to do it on my own, all the time. I realize that I am not perfect, as much as I strive to be. Perfection still eludes me. It plays with my mind.

I will not smile because everyone asks, "Why do you look so mean?" I will express myself in whatever means I consider appropriate. If a grin is warranted, I'll grin. If not, I won't. I will learn to express my anger. I will no longer swallow the pain and let it ferment within the bowels of my stomach, only to manifest as tears of frustration. I shall rant! And I shall rave! I can express joy and elation without missing a beat. Now, I will learn to express the other end of the emotional spectrum. I will do it healthily. There will be no more bottling up of hurt and pain and distress for someone else's benefit; so much so that I feel on the verge of implosion. I will no longer walk the precipice of death and look over in misery, unable to find my way back to the safety of solid ground. I AM STRONG. But when I am not strong ENOUGH, I will vent and I will accept help.

Most importantly, I will no longer live anyone else's dream. I shall follow my own. That degree in Financial Accounting? Moot. It was never my dream, it was my father's. I will do what my heart has always told me I was born to do. I will write. And I will write some more. Law school? I shall reexamine if that is what I want. What I want. Not what someone has told me that I wanted. I will no longer live my life in the shadow of living someone else's dream. I shall follow my own. I think I have always known what I wanted; now I will realize it. Come hell or high water, I shall empower myself to do what I want to do. And I will systematically remove anyone from my life that doesn't believe I can do it. Because I can. So, all those people out there who are only riding on my coattails ... well, they have to go. All those people out there who do not care to help me reach my apex, they are gone too. And those that are only around for what I can provide ... they are most definitely out the picture. I AM A BEAST. I WILL SUCCEED. Only those that care to see me do just that will I keep around. The haters? Those awaiting my downfall? Those around because of the morbid curiosity? Those that want to see me crash, burn, and die? All GONE!

This is Kornika at 24. Ride with me or get the fuck out the way! Here I come!